Top Five Summer Vacation Spots

Glenn Young

May 31, 2019

Similar to the satirical publication The Onion, The Artichoke's goal is to enlighten via satire and humor.      Why go on vacation to Aruba when you have these inexpensive and fun options right in your own backyard?  5 Port Discovery Want to relive some of your favorite child...

Senioritis Explained

Senioritis Explained

Milo Fisher, Staff Writer

February 4, 2019

I really didn’t feel like writing this article, so I decided to write mine about the very serious, non-diagnosed, senioritis. This awful disorder consumes nearly all seniors who just want the school year to be over, before the reality of the real-world hits.  As the end of the 2nd quarter looms, the Senioritis becomes increasingly worse. More seniors care less and less about their grades.   After these students are accepted to the col...

Affordable Gifts for the Holidays

Glenn Young, Staff Writer

December 18, 2018

With Christmas fast approaching, it’s is time to start thinking about giving presents. Today, we will be helping you out, giving you the top five useful and affordable products that will leave your friends and family amazed. #5 Inflatable Reindeer Playing Leapfrog - $59.99 Admit it, you a...

Look at me – I’m Trump! Could I be More Excited for this Meeting?

Catarina Caradella

June 12, 2018

Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un have finally seemed to pick a place to meet after much discussion over multiple possibilities like Disney World, Hogwarts School of Witch Craft and Wizardry, and Switzerland. Ultimately, Singapore was chosen - no teacup rides, wizard training or sipping on some of...

Warriors Conspiring to Take Out Lebron James to Force Cavalier Forfeit in Finals

Braden Hamelin

June 12, 2018

During the NBA Finals media day, Golden State Warriors head coach Steve Kerr gave a hint that taking on Lebron for the fourth straight year in the Finals wasn't going to be too difficult this year. "Lebron is getting up there in age, and when that happens, badly timed injuries are truly devastating,"...

Costume Ideas For Every Family Member

Braden Hamelin, Staff Writer

October 25, 2017

Well dear readers, Halloween season is here, and along with it, the paralyzing anxiety of not knowing what to dress up as. Never fear, because today we're here find you and every member of your family the costume ideas to send you out looking like champions.   For the more festive readers, some people will try to tell you it's not Christmas season yet, it isn't even near Thanksgiving, but no, don't listen to them. For you, it's always ...

Water Coolers Revisited: What’s next for Towson’s top source of refreshment?

Nicholas Wynn

June 6, 2017

Becky got a surprise promposal from her dream date. Danny scored the winning buzzer-beater shot in the big game. Jeff got a 1550 on his SAT! As the sun is begins to set over another school year, many students are reflecting on the many exciting events that happened during the past school year. Al...

Heroic Bystander Stops Banana Peel Ambush Outside Hillary Clinton Office

Heroic Bystander Stops Banana Peel Ambush Outside Hillary Clinton Office

Michael Sassano

December 20, 2016

Similar to the satirical publication The Onion, The Kumquat’s goal is to enlighten via satire and humor. Last weekend, there was an attempted ambush outside of Hillary Clinton’s campaign office in Brooklyn, New York. A banana peel was spotted sitting on the sidewalk waiting for Hillary to pass b...

My New INSANE Weight Gain Program

Michael Sassano

December 20, 2016

As I walk through the halls of Towson High, I am constantly bumping into puny underclassmen with zero muscle mass, sending them flying into each other like bowling pins. What they need is my NEW SUPER INSANE WEIGHT GAIN PROGRAM EXTREME. I used to be a small little pip squeak. Now, I can’t stop getting...

Flacco for Pryor: A Good Move?

Flacco for Pryor: A Good Move?

Braden Hamelin, Staff Writer

December 5, 2016

Similar to the satirical publication The Onion, The Kumquat’s goal is to enlighten via satire and humor. In a surprise move late Sunday, the Ravens have traded Joe Flacco away to the division opponent Browns for receiver and former quarterback Terrelle Pryor. Clearly unhappy with the subpar seaso...

Five Exceptional Halloween Costume Ideas

Nicholas Wynn, Staff Writer

October 30, 2016

    Halloween is just around the corner, and many poor souls just can’t make up their minds on what to dress up as this season. If you’re one of these unfortunate individuals fret no longer! Here are five original costume ideas to save yourself from the trap of boring drab. ...

Best Mullets of Towson High

Best Mullets of Towson High

Michael Sassano

October 5, 2016

The mullet is undoubtedly the best hair style of the modern era. Nothing says “business in the front, party in the back” quite like it. Only a special kind of man is able to contain the great power and awesomeness of the mullet. So today, we are here to recognize the best mullets of Towson High. Nicholas Wynn It...

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