As I walk through the halls of Towson High, I am constantly bumping into puny underclassmen with zero muscle mass, sending them flying into each other like bowling pins. What they need is my NEW SUPER INSANE WEIGHT GAIN PROGRAM EXTREME.

I used to be a small little pip squeak. Now, I can’t stop getting stronger. Since last month when I started the program, I’ve gained over 100 pound of pure muscle and gains. I’m addicted to the gains. As I sit here typing this article, I can feel my muscles bulging out. With each letter, the keyboard breaks a little under the tremendous strength of my fingers. Do you wish to live a life of luxury like me? Luckily, my program is simple and very loose, so it can fit any person.  NO EXCUSES!

To start off, I wake up at 4:30 and I eat a moderate breakfast of 12 eggs and 1 pound of bacon, followed by a protein shake. Then, I run to the Y and work out for a few hours before I run to school. Once at school, I eat a breakfast sandwich and a protein shake. In between classes, I like to work on some cardio by running up and down the stairs until the bell, followed by a protein shake.

If you are really dedicated, you should bring two dumbbells so that you can get a nice upper body workout during class. Make sure you have a protein shake to drink throughout. For lunch, 20 minutes simply isn’t enough time to eat a sufficient amount of food to get all the carbs and protein needed to supply your muscles, so I follow my lunch with a creatine drink. Then, I run to the Y and work out until closing time, when I run home. My dinner usually consists of me eating every animal and vegetable known to man with a protein shake. Finally, I bench until I lose consciousness, until it’s time to repeat the whole process all over again.

This scrawny to brawny program is easy and effective, and you’re guaranteed to see results in the first 30 minutes. So hit the gym and start getting those gains, baby.