In a surprising cabinet reshuffle, President Obama has appointed local hero General Nathaniel Towson to replace Ashton Carter as the United States Secretary of Defense.

President Obama explained that the reason behind this new appointment:  “With ongoing wars in Iraq, Syria, and Afghanistan, conflicts with Russia, and tension in the South China Sea, the only man right for the job is General Towson himself.”

Gen. Towson’s military experience was also cited as a qualification for the job, as President Obama later hailed Towson’s record during the War of 1812 and the Mexican-American War. Giving his first announcement as Secretary of Defense, Gen. Towson proclaimed, “We must halt the threats to the republic!”

When asked how to deal with the country’s increasing conflicts abroad, Gen. Towson said that he had a variety of plans to ensure security including “Defeating the Barbary Sultanates, the Kingdom of Siam, and of course Paraguay, the greatest threat to our fledgling nation!”

The new Secretary of Defense also unveiled a plan to defeat the terrorist groups, proclaiming, “It will only take 2 score of cavalry units to annihilate them!” When questioned if he would also employ airstrikes Gen. Towson replied, “Well we shall use hot air balloon observation platforms of course, but as we all know heavier than air flying machines are scientifically impossible.”

The move to appoint Gen. Towson is not without criticism though; some members of the Latino community have expressed disapproval with Towson’s plans to, “Conquer all of Latin America to install an American empire stretching the Arctic to Tierra del Fuego.” A critic, who asked to be unnamed, replied, “I do not want my homeland to become a part of his 100 state empire!”

Gen. Towson declined to comment and spent the rest of the press conference inquiring to the assembled journalists about what electricity was.