Pope Francis Visits Towson

Similar to the satirical publication The Onion, The Kumquat’s goal is to enlighten via satire and humor.

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The Bishop of Rome, Pope Francis, made a surprise visit to Towson High School that was well-received by the local community.

The Sovereign of Vatican City recently made the trek from Rome directly to the Aigburth Lobby in order to show his support for the maroon and white. Pope Francis also spoke in front of faculty and students on the football field about the pressing issue of transfer students, among other issues.

“I have always been a passionate supporter of THS,” said Pope Francis. “Now it’s time to show my support by becoming a member of the THS Music Boosters.” Music teacher John Olin reportedly cried tears of joy at the news.

Following the announcement, the Towson Marching Band played the Towson Fight Song and band favorite “Hey Baby,” along with several Katy Perry hits.

Pope Francis later inquired if he would be able to purchase maroon robes at the school store, saying that “wearing white all the time is pretty dull.”

The pope then offered to change his name to Pope Towson I, stating, “I’m at least 12% sure General Nathan Towson was a Catholic, that’s gotta count for something right?”

Spectators later reported that they witnessed Pope Francis speeding down York Road in a golden Fiat.