How Not to be a Pencil-less Bum

How+Not+to+be+a+Pencil-less+Bum

School supplies. Something about going to an office supply store and getting a bunch of new gadgets to play with nourishes the soul. The illusion of productivity is invigorating and fun. But what happens after the first quarter and all that’s left is a half-broken pencil without an eraser? Read below for tips on how to save your school supplies:

  • Giving a pencil to someone you don’t know is like selling your soul: you probably won’t get it back without extended adventures and bargaining with demons.
  • If you lose something, don’t worry, it’s not lost forever. Somebody else is probably already using it. Your ruler always wanted to see the world.
  • Whenever loaning people supplies, make sure that in exchange, they give you the deed to their house. This way, if they forget to give your stuff back, you know where they live, and can kick them out at any time.
  • Form a cult with your friends. Create a stockpile of supplies for rituals, sacrifice, and homework, so that you’re never in need of chalk, human tributes, or pens.
  • Keep all your supplies safe by storing them in a tank of jellyfish. This will help deter thieves.
  • If a teacher presents their own list of supplies after everybody has already gone shopping, feel free to cover everything that they love with jellyfish.
  • When a teacher gives you a hard time about loaning you a pencil, steal all of their class supplies.
  • If part-way through the year, teachers ask you to bring in supplies that you don’t have, create an intricate scenario in which you fake your own death.
  • When a teacher asks you for supplies, do your best imitation of a whale. This will tell the teacher to back off, for you are higher on the food chain.

 

Note: This article is a joke. The Talisman does not endorse any felonies or misdemeanors and bears no responsibility for the people who follow these blatantly phony rules.