Water Coolers Revisited: What’s next for Towson’s top source of refreshment?

Nicholas Wynn

June 6, 2017


Filed under Showcase, Student Life, The Kumquat

Becky got a surprise promposal from her dream date. Danny scored the winning buzzer-beater shot in the big game. Jeff got a 1550 on his SAT! As the sun is begins to set over another school year, many students are reflecting on the many exciting events that happened during the past school year. Al...

Heroic Bystander Stops Banana Peel Ambush Outside Hillary Clinton Office

Heroic Bystander Stops Banana Peel Ambush Outside Hillary Clinton Office

Michael Sassano

December 20, 2016


Filed under Showcase, The Kumquat

Similar to the satirical publication The Onion, The Kumquat’s goal is to enlighten via satire and humor. Last weekend, there was an attempted ambush outside of Hillary Clinton’s campaign office in Brooklyn, New York. A banana peel was spotted sitting on the sidewalk waiting for Hillary to pass b...

My New INSANE Weight Gain Program

Michael Sassano

December 20, 2016


Filed under The Kumquat

As I walk through the halls of Towson High, I am constantly bumping into puny underclassmen with zero muscle mass, sending them flying into each other like bowling pins. What they need is my NEW SUPER INSANE WEIGHT GAIN PROGRAM EXTREME. I used to be a small little pip squeak. Now, I can’t stop getting...

Flacco for Pryor: A Good Move?

Flacco for Pryor: A Good Move?

Braden Hamelin, Staff Writer

December 5, 2016


Filed under Showcase, The Kumquat

Similar to the satirical publication The Onion, The Kumquat’s goal is to enlighten via satire and humor. In a surprise move late Sunday, the Ravens have traded Joe Flacco away to the division opponent Browns for receiver and former quarterback Terrelle Pryor. Clearly unhappy with the subpar seaso...

Five Exceptional Halloween Costume Ideas

Nicholas Wynn, Staff Writer

October 30, 2016


Filed under The Kumquat

    Halloween is just around the corner, and many poor souls just can’t make up their minds on what to dress up as this season. If you’re one of these unfortunate individuals fret no longer! Here are five original costume ideas to save yourself from the trap of boring drab. ...

Best Mullets of Towson High

Best Mullets of Towson High

Michael Sassano

October 5, 2016


Filed under The Kumquat

The mullet is undoubtedly the best hair style of the modern era. Nothing says “business in the front, party in the back” quite like it. Only a special kind of man is able to contain the great power and awesomeness of the mullet. So today, we are here to recognize the best mullets of Towson High. Nicholas Wynn It...

The Only Game You Should Ever Play

The Only Game You Should Ever Play

Adam Cines

April 10, 2016


Filed under Showcase, The Kumquat

If you haven’t played Slime Soccer yet, I don’t know what’s wrong with you. It’s the game that’s taking Towson High School by storm and I’m here to give you to the tips and tricks you need to defeat your foes and become a Slime Soccer Champion. Head on over to http://mollerhoj.com to get started. Here are few th...

Leonardo Winning an Oscar is the End of the World

Leonardo Winning an Oscar is the End of the World

Marcus Shaw

March 20, 2016


Filed under The Kumquat

The night of the Oscars was going according to plan until the winner for Best Actor was announced. The Academy issued an apology on February 29th the day after the Oscars were televised for the world to see. They were forced to apologize because of the public backlash that was the result of an Osca...

Towson to Start Jousting Team

Towson to Start Jousting Team

Adam Cines and Patrick Hutson

February 3, 2016


Filed under The Kumquat

The finest Arabian stallions have been recently imported from the residence of the king of Morocco, confirming student suspicions that Towson High is creating its very own jousting team. For months many students in the Towson community have been circulating rumors of a new sports team, with options ranging...

Towson Spirit Week

Towson Spirit Week

Adam Cines

December 17, 2015


Filed under The Kumquat

Medieval Monday – Hear ye, hear ye. Towsonne High Schoole will commence this here spirit week with students dressed in chain mail and steel caps. Joust with thy friends at lunch, but just don’t forget to bring thy iron shield. Trump Tuesday – Get your suits and hairpieces ready because Tues...

Common App to be Replaced

Common App to be Replaced

Adam Cines

December 9, 2015


Filed under The Kumquat

“The Common Application will soon be a thing of the past,” announced CEO Paul Mott on a live web conference from the company yacht last Monday. After hearing multiple complaints about how the college application process was too easy, and not selective enough, Mott decided the Common App was frankly...

General Nathaniel Towson Appointed Secretary of Defense

General Nathaniel Towson Appointed Secretary of Defense

Patrick Hutson

December 9, 2015


Filed under The Kumquat

In a surprising cabinet reshuffle, President Obama has appointed local hero General Nathaniel Towson to replace Ashton Carter as the United States Secretary of Defense. President Obama explained that the reason behind this new appointment:  “With ongoing wars in Iraq, Syria, and Afghanistan, conflicts...

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