Towson to Start Jousting Team

Towson to Start Jousting Team

Adam Cines and Patrick Hutson

February 3, 2016


Filed under The Artichoke

The finest Arabian stallions have been recently imported from the residence of the king of Morocco, confirming student suspicions that Towson High is creating its very own jousting team. For months many students in the Towson community have been circulating rumors of a new sports team, with options ranging...

Towson Spirit Week

Towson Spirit Week

Adam Cines

December 17, 2015


Filed under The Artichoke

Medieval Monday – Hear ye, hear ye. Towsonne High Schoole will commence this here spirit week with students dressed in chain mail and steel caps. Joust with thy friends at lunch, but just don’t forget to bring thy iron shield. Trump Tuesday – Get your suits and hairpieces ready because Tues...

Common App to be Replaced

Common App to be Replaced

Adam Cines

December 9, 2015


Filed under The Artichoke

“The Common Application will soon be a thing of the past,” announced CEO Paul Mott on a live web conference from the company yacht last Monday. After hearing multiple complaints about how the college application process was too easy, and not selective enough, Mott decided the Common App was frankly...

General Nathaniel Towson Appointed Secretary of Defense

General Nathaniel Towson Appointed Secretary of Defense

Patrick Hutson

December 9, 2015


Filed under The Artichoke

In a surprising cabinet reshuffle, President Obama has appointed local hero General Nathaniel Towson to replace Ashton Carter as the United States Secretary of Defense. President Obama explained that the reason behind this new appointment:  “With ongoing wars in Iraq, Syria, and Afghanistan, conflicts...

Towson High School to be Bought by G.E.

Towson High School to be Bought by G.E.

Patrick Hutson

November 24, 2015


Filed under The Artichoke

In a landmark event, Towson principal Charlene DiMino and General Electric CEO Jeffery Immelt announced that the General Electric Corporation would acquire Towson High School at a news conference on Monday. Principal DiMino explained that Towson High would be leaving the Baltimore County Public School...

Pope Francis Visits Towson

Pope Francis Visits Towson

Patrick Hutson and Adam Cines

October 20, 2015


Filed under The Artichoke

The Bishop of Rome, Pope Francis, made a surprise visit to Towson High School that was well-received by the local community. The Sovereign of Vatican City recently made the trek from Rome directly to the Aigburth Lobby in order to show his support for the maroon and white. Pope Francis also spoke...

Dallas Dance Named Third Most Powerful Person

Dallas Dance Named Third Most Powerful Person

Patrick Hutson

October 9, 2015


Filed under The Artichoke

Baltimore County Public Schools Superintendent Dallas Dance has been named the third most powerful person in the world, according to a Forbes Magazine ranking. “It’s an honor really, I didn’t expect this to happen at all,” said Dance, who was listed behind President Barack Obama and Russian...

Cafeteria to Begin Serving Wildebeest

Cafeteria to Begin Serving Wildebeest

Patrick Hutson

September 23, 2015


Filed under The Artichoke

In a move to bring uniqueness to school menu options, the Towson High Cafeteria will begin to serve wildebeest starting next week. The wildebeest, also known as the gnu, will be cooked in limited trials before ultimately being added to the Towson lunch menu. “We think it's a shame that really only...

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